Surviving The Apocalypse Lesson #2,007: Surviving The Planet Of The Apes

The idea of Apes taking over the planet has been around for sometime. The old documentary featuring Charlton Heston was more in the vein of accepting your fate after the world has ended already. But I say to heck with that, I intend to survive and put those damn dirty apes back in their place. Will you be a fellow survivor? Pay attention to the following tips as they may make the difference between going bananas and being the top banana when the Apeocalypse falls on us.


1. Learn To Recognize Your Foe:


You may think, "how hard could it be to recognize a monkey?"

That right there is your first mistake. Apes, are not Monkeys. In fact, as all the experts will tell you, Monkeys are actually on our side. It's a common misconception that Apes and Monkeys get along. In fact they've had a vicious rivalry ongoing for centuries. All however is not lost as there is a simple test to tell the two species apart.

The Kitten Test, devised by Dr. Henry Braumstetter in 1842, demonstrates the differences between the two animals when presented with kittens. Here is a sample:

The results are always similar. My advice, when the Apes make their move on the world, be sure to have a fresh supply of kittens on hand.

2. Wash Your Hands Damn it!

In almost every situational eventuality, the Apeocalypse is preceded by a virus deadly to man. The fact is that every animal, whether they admit to it or not, has their teams working on chemical weapons. Sometimes the experiments get out and accidentally infect humans. Apes are no different, except they fully intend to use this viral war against us when the time is right.

As the WHO has pointed out on multiple occasions, the best way to avoid being contaminated yourself is to practice good hygiene. Get in the habit of scrubbing yourself raw. And for goodness sakes, if someone is sneezing and hacking, walk the other way. It may sound harsh, but it's likely too late for them. Here is a picture of an Ape working on a new evil weapon:

I shudder to think of what he's cooking up for us at this particular moment. Wash your hands people, I'm telling you.

3. Deciding On A Weapon Of Choice:

Guns, arrows, swords, knives, clubs, nuclear bombs; all things our adversaries will have access to. It won't be long into the war I guarantee before they start throwing out terms like Mutual Assured Destruction. Not that we can trust them. They have superior strength, so the idea of war with bombs is erroneous. They want us on the ground. Thankfully, there is a weakness. 

All Apes love dance. It's their number one vice and weakness. A good ditty, and a crowded dance floor is more than enough to distract even the most militant of apes. Trust me when I say that the war for humanity will not be fought on the battlefield, but in the disco halls of yore. Here's a picture of two Apes that have been neutralized:

Those who know Tap will stand a better chance than the rest of the world, so maybe it's time to take advantage of that free lesson in the local penny saver magazine.

Conclusion:

Many will die, you can be sure of that. For want of a few good moves, a bar of soap, and a basic knowledge of zoology. But if you take these tips to heart, carry an iPod loaded with a thousand rounds of Jungle Boogie, and leave the bananas at home, you might just have a chance of making it through.

And I'll see you on the other side of the Apeocalpyse.