Letters To Superheroes: Issue #10 - Dear HULK

Dear Mr. Banner,

I am writing as a concerned neighbor and grandmother. Your antics, while always a little queer, have reached new heights of absurdity in recent weeks. I am of course referring to your daily display of nudity. I know you're not a nudist since I see you wearing clothes most of the time. You just never seem to return with any on. Don't think we here in the neighborhood don't know what's going on. We all know Pamela's due date doesn't line up with when her husband shipped out overseas.

Shame on you sir, he's serving our county. To do this behind his back... Won't do, won't do at all.

Don't think I haven't noticed how similar in appearance many of the neighborhood's newborns look. I thought at first it might have been the mailman who has a tendency to linger a little longer than necessary at the Donald's residence. But then I discovered -quite by accident- about Mr. Donald's proclivity towards men in uniform. I have spoken with Mrs. Donald on the subject and she is either completely obtuse or has agreed to be his beard for whatever reasons.

I would have figured it out anyway as the babies are clearly part Jewish. You are Jewish, I assume? I can't tell with the name Banner, but you remind me a lot of my first husband and he was definitely Jewish. Regardless, it doesn't take a genius to add two and two and come up with four. The reason you're always diving into your house naked is because you're about to be caught in the act and are trying to hide.

I don't care what sex antics you get up to in the privacy of your home -we've all seen the kinky costumed people entering your house at off hours- but when my grand babies are constantly being exposed to your, er, exposition, action is clearly dictated. Please stop and desist with your exhibition or else I will be forced to involve the police, or worse, the Neighborhood Association.

Sincerely,
Martha Johnston