Retrofitting Humor Vol. 1: Husband & Wife

What does retrofitting humor mean? In this instance a stupid challenge to myself to take old jokes, and rewrite them. I don't know why I do these things to myself. I do know why I inflict them on you all: because it's fun. Anyhoo here's the first.

Lo, several years had passed since the Lord handed down his judgment, and  one day Adam did find himself toiling in the fields. The sun above did beat upon his brow mightily, and Adam soon found himself in dire need of replenishing his body. In those days it was yet before the time of Sour Melon Powerade, and Adam did long for the original thirst quencher, water. Quickly he gat himself upon his ass and returned home. 

When he arrived he did take of the stream that flowed nearby and was gladly refreshed. To his ass he did also give drink, and then heavily, entered his home. Tiredly he made his way over to his big stone chair and sat down. He then calleth to Eve:

"Wife," he sayeth, "I am home."

Then came Eve from the bedroom adorned in new furs which she had sewn together, and lo, Adam was very tired and did not look. Eve's patience was short and she did snap at him:

"Hey! Eyes on me babes."

"My apologies," Adam responded and did look upon his wife.

"What do you think of this new outfit?" she asked.

"It is indeed very nice. Furry. Are you wearing what's for dinner?"

But lo, Eve heareth not his last part, or at least ignored it and instead asked:

"I like the lines, but, I don't know. Does the bear skin make me look fat?"

Adam at these words groaned within himself, understanding with full realization of the curse God had put on man. Swearing within himself for ever eating of the apple, he was at once decided never to eat another piece of fruit again. After a few seconds Adam's eyes did glaze as he thought on his misery. And lo, after seeing that Adam did not respond quick enough, Eve's anger was kindled against him. Without a mother's house to go to, her anger abode with him for two weeks. 

And Adam found himself during that time sleeping on the stone outside, and lo his son Cain (who was quite a little bastard, though not in the biblical way) did awake him every morning by jumping on him. Thus did Adam look forward to toiling in the fields everyday.