The Non-Obits - April 5, 2012

Eddie Murphy

1961 - 2012

Famed comedian and actor Eddie Murphy was officially pronounced dead this past week after it was announced he was being sought after for the upcoming sequel to 'Twins' tentatively titled 'Triplets'. Said a fan of Murphy's who was on the scene, "I've long suspected that Eddie died years ago and was replaced by an evil robot that only makes s**** movies." While it is actually believed that Murphy died back in 1998 between the release of Doctor Doolittle and Holy Man, it was not officially confirmed until the horrible casting news broke this past week. He is survived by the slim hope that he is still alive somewhere, being kept locked up in a dungeon, waiting for someone to free him.

Tom Wilson's Love For Death Metal

1988 - 2012

Sad news this week music lovers, Tom Wilson's love for death metal has passed away. Tom who himself was a drummer for an Entombed cover band through his teen years, into his early 20's, confirmed it early Monday morning. "I liked a lot of things when I was young," Tom spoke at the press conference, "I used to down two Big Macs at a go, but now the thought of just one gives me heartburn. And oddly enough, so does Death Metal." Tom who recently turned 40 was spotted a few weeks back purchasing a Sufjan Stevens album on iTunes.

Michelangelo

1968 -2012

Fans of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were heartbroken yesterday when police confirmed that Michelangelo, one of 3 turtles the popular comic and cartoon series was based on, was found dead in his apartment. While police have yet to give word as to whether or not foul play might have been involved, Leonardo, a close friend confessed to being "worried" before he was whisked away in a police car. Few people realize that Michelangelo was actually the inspiration for two of the turtles, his namesake, and Raphael. Donatello and former baddie Shredder, who have been sharing an apartment together in Queens, could not be reached for comment. Services will be held this Saturday before his body is laid to rest in a toilet and flushed.

NON-DEATH OF THE WEEK:

Carol Channing

1921 - ????

Part of eastern Massachusetts were surprised to learn this week that Carol Channing is still alive. A Tony award winning and Oscar nominated actress, Channing is best known for her unique voice. However of more interest is her secret to longevity which some believe stems from her rare ability to attain energy from holding on to grudges. Not slowing down any, she is expected to outlive her Thoroughly Modern Millie co-cast members, Julie Andrews and Mary Tyler Moore. Whatever evil spell is keeping her alive, we here at TNR wish her many good years to come! ...Mostly out of fear.