Five Year Engagement, The Pirates!, The Raven, and Cats doing reviews: 7 Word Weekend Review

New Movie Releases Reviewed in 7 Words Each

Bernie (limited) - We've all wanted to kill Shirley MacLaine.

Sound of My Voice (limited) - WHAT? Speak up already, with the words.

The Five Year Engagement - Kind of a 'lease to own' thing?

The Pirates! Band of Misfits - Shucks... You had me at David Tennant.

The Raven - Who'd win the fight, Raven or Crow?

Safe - Liar. Statham knows tracheas can be broken.

Wow, that's a lot of movies, and I'm pressed for time, so, I'm going to have to enlist some help this week. Please welcome guest reviewers, the cats from What Cats Are Saying.

'Sir Reginald Plumperdink'

"I think The Raven looks tasty. Way better than The Hunger Games, which left me wanting... Food."

'Mrs. Kisses'

"Safe has everything a cat like me could want. Blood... Violence... Anger... Statham. All good."

'The Duchess Gary Cooper'

"The Five Year Engagement reminds me of the good old days when you'd postpone the affair as long as possible cause it was for life. You remember 1998, right?"

'Melvin'

"I like cults."

Of course Melvin is referring to Sound of My Voice which is a fantastic looking indie film. It's actually a pretty strong weekend in terms of films. Something for everybody. The Pirates! Band of Misfits, is based on some kids books, which I of course haven't read, but with a cast including David Tennant, Hugh Grant, and Martin Freeman, you can bet I'll catch that as soon as it hits video. It's even a strong weekend for indie films. Aside from the aforementioned SOMV, Bernie, the new Richard Linklater film in out in limited. It's a pretty trippy looking film, based on the true story of a well liked funeral home director who shot an elderly widow and stuffed her in a freezer for 9 months before anyone noticed. It stars Jack Black and Shirley MacLaine. 

With this many films hitting this weekend, do you have plans on getting out to see any? Which most looks appealing to you?

The History of Man: A Timeline

Click To Enlarge.

The Dinosaur Party Debate Semi Finals: Soph Bochs Versus Jeff

Thank you for joining us for this, the first of two, semi-final debates. The next couple of weeks will see the field narrowed down to two candidates. You've heard them previously speaking on political issues and what they stand for. So this time around, we're going to get a little more intimate and get to know these candidates for who they are when they're not trying to save the world through legislation.

TNR: Welcome Ms. Bochs.

Soph: Please call me Soph.

TNR: Soap? 

Soph: Yes. No need to be formal.

TNR: That's an unusual pronunciation.

Soph: Oh, well, it's Indonesian.

TNR: No it's not.

Soph: ...

TNR: Soph, let me ask you, what makes you, you?

Soph: I'm a hoverer. Most  pterodactyls like to soar high above, out of sight. Me, I like to be low to the ground. Anything higher than 20 ft and I start to get queasy. But I feel this has kept me a little more grounded in life -if you'll pardon the pun. I've stayed in contact with people; which is really who I am... A people person.

TNR: People dino.

Soph: Ha, yes, dino. 

TNR: Tell me, what's a typical day like in the Bochs house?

Soph: Up early, getting the kids ready for school. My two oldest are hunting for themselves now, but the youngest still requires her mummy to get her some food, pre-digest it, and then vomit it into her mouth.

TNR: Kind of an Alicia Silverstone thing.

Soph: Egg-zactly.

TNR: Did you just say Egg-zactly?

Soph: I don't think so. Anyway, once they're dropped off at school and a sitter is set for my baby, I'm off to work. For the past few years I've hosted a radio program broadcast in Alaska and parts of Michigan. Perhaps you've heard of it, it's called 'The Bridge to Somewhere'? It's a call in show where we hash out everything going on in Washington and the rest of the world. After the show, I usually stop off and do a little hunting for dinner, spend some quality time with the kids; maybe catch a movie on TV, and then off to bed.

TNR: Where's Mr Bochs? 

Soph: There is no Mr. Bochs. I've had three brief flings with a guy named George, after which he always leaves before the children are born.

TNR: That sounds horrible.

Soph: No it's sweet really. If he stayed, he'd only end up eating the children.

TNR: Thank you for joining us Soph.

Soph: Thank you.

TNR: Hello and welcome Jeff.

Jeff: Please, call me Soap.

TNR: Haha, I think I'll stick with Jeff.

Jeff: Probably for the best. What kind of parent names their kid Soap? My parents left me when I was still an egg, but at least they named me Jeff.

TNR: Now, now, this isn't a place for attacks.

Jeff: My apologies. I was just befuddled by that. 

TNR: Jeff, what makes you, you?

Jeff: I didn't have a lot to look forward to when I was growing up. Half the time I was running from one predator or another. When I finally got old enough to make something of myself, I did just that. Invented a device that helps dinosaurs with short arms reach things. Sold like hot cakes and lifted me out of the gutter.

TNR: Sort of a self made dinosaur?

Jeff: Not my favorite term, but I'll wear it.

TNR: What's a typical day like for you.

Jeff: I wake up, live my life, and then go to sleep. Life shouldn't have typical days. Every day should be new and full of promise to be original and fresh. Just as example, two days ago, I'm in Alaska mountain climbing. Last night I'm at home dining on a pterodactyl baby. Today I'm chatting with you. Life is to be lived.

Soph: Alaska? Pterodactyl baby?? What mountain?!

Jeff: Well, I was stopping in to say hi to you, but I think you were on the radio at the time...

Soph: You monster!

TNR: Jeff... Did you eat her baby?

Jeff: Dude, please, who do you think we are? Both Soph and I are carnivores. Don't ask me to hide who I am. Have I been anything but upfront about that?

TNR: No, you've been pretty honest. I guess I can't fault you for that.

Soph: Can't fault him?! He. Ate. My. Baby!

Jeff: Nothing that millions of Americans wouldn't do on Thanksgiving.

Soph: I've got to go see the rest of my children. I'm out of here. 

TNR: And so are we. My guests have been Ms. Soph Bochs, and Jeff. Thank you both for coming.

Jeff: She's already gone? How rude. Thank you for having me.

So who will it be? Two carnivores, but only one can stand on top of the food chain. You have one week to decide. Voting ends next Monday at 11:59 pm. Then on Tueday, the two last candidates, will dance.

Show your support on Facebook and Twitter

The Lucky One, Think Like a Man, Chimpanzee

New Movie Releases Reviewed in 7 Words Each

Chimpanzee - Please forgive me for this; It's bananas.

Darling Companion (limited) - Don't need 7 words to ask 'why?'

The Lucky One - Zac Efron? No, we're the lucky ones.

Marley (Limited & VOD) - Oh, it's not about a talking dog...

Think Like a Man - Gee, thanks for the advice Steve Harvey.

To The Arctic 3D (IMAX) - Waiting for global warming to heat up.

What? It's cold in the Arctic and if I'm going on a road trip I want it to be somewhere nice.

Seems fitting to cover both the nature docs at once. I'm a big fan of nature shows and films. I love seeing learning about wildlif-  Oh who am I kidding? I like watching cute fluffy animals and pointing at the freaks. I've never been a huge fan of the whole monkey-ape-thing, so my interest in Chimpanzee is far outweighed by To The Arctic and the promise of polar bears drinking coke. I know, I know, they won't have coke in the film. It'll be some non-specific soda. Either way it's delicious and cute. And it's IMAX, which is always the best when it comes to nature.

Hunger Games has held on to the number one spot for 4 weeks. That's pretty impressive in this box office day and age. The question is, does it have enough steam to take on two more new films? With The Lucky One, you have Zac Efron, who should pull some of the base on name alone. Add to that Nicholas Sparks whose name beckons to women, come be romanced, and to men, come, take your girlfriends and wives and feel like you did something romantic when really you just sat through a film that has all the appeal of a tepid glass of oil. 

The alternative, is really like no option at all. Think Like a Man, based on a Steve Harvey book and trying to ride the back of Kevin Hart, who I'll admit is a funny man, also looks to leave its tooth marks in the monolith that is Hunger Games. Also with a specific market it should be able to lure a demographic or two away from seeing a film for the umpteenth time. Frankly I think it looks pretty dreadful, but then it's been awhile since I enjoyed Steve Harvey. But that's probably oversimplifying it. It just has the look of a movie that should be rated R but has been neutered to a PG13 and will thus replace a lot of crude jokes with less funny crude jokes that nonetheless will fit the parameters of that rating box.

Will either of them be able to bring down the reigning champ? By themselves, no, together, I'm guessing yes. I give an edge to The Lucky One, but Think Like a Man should do alright to. Both strike me as hitting around high teens in their opening, and with the natural rate of drop added in to Hunger Games, it should just fall below, possibly even to third place. But who knows. That's the fun of watching the box office numbers. Trends come and go and there's always little surprises.

Getting out to the movies this weekend? What's everyone planning on seeing?

Does Dick Clark's Death Heralds The End Of The World?

November 30, 1929 – April 18, 2012

I loved Dick Clark. Like millions of others, he was a part of the New Year's tradition for my family. So please don't take this the wrong way when I ask, does this mean the Mayan were right? I'm pretty sure we can't proceed into 2013 without Dick Clark here to move the hands of time. Admit it, you all know he was responsible for the changing of the years. The Mayan spoke of change and I think this is it: We're going to be stuck in the year 2012 forever.

RIP Dick Clark. You shall be missed in more ways than you ever thought.

Stupid Movie Quotes #1

Indian in the Cupboard (1995)

"You don't deserve that hair!"

You know, even as a kid I knew a crap adaptation when I saw it. I was a fan of the books, but the movie left me less than thrilled. I can't say I really remember a lot about it anymore other than the fabulous quote above.

Cabin in the Woods, Lockout, The Three Stooges: 7 Word Weekend Review

New Movie Releases Reviewed in 7 Words Each

The Cabin in the Woods - See, this is why I hate cabins.

Lockout - Prequel to last year's film: The Locksmith.

The Three Stooges - I'd rather watch the original Stooges now.

Don't take that the wrong way. I simply mean I'd rather sit and watch the graves of dead men than watch the updated version. 

Okay, maybe that's a little harsh. Whether you're a fan of the Farrelly Brothers or not, one thing that can't be denied is their steady decline in quality over the years. Personally, I still like a couple of their earlier films but have had little more than distaste for them for about a decade. The bottom for them seems to still be off as they're planning on making their first sequel to a film in Dumb & Dumber. The idea of them tackling The Three Stooges, is dismal to me. I liked the stooges when I was a kid but unlike my love for Chaplin and Buster Keaton, even then I could only take so much at a time. I'll admit that a couple involuntary groans/laughs did escape from me with some of the puns in the trailers, but that's far from convincing me it's worth sitting through a myriad of secondhand slapstick. Until otherwise convinced, I just have no interest in the film. 

I've heard a lot of mixed reaction to Cabin in the Woods. Because of the meta quality of the plot it's got the classic divide of some hailing it as genius and others saying it's trying to be too clever for itself. Naturally the automatic retort being that those who hated it "didn't get it". One of my friends who caught an early screening is on the side of loving it. Though as he rarely visits my site I can safely say I've never really relied on him to be the most qualified when it comes to critiquing. All I know is that it looks fantastic and creative. I love the odd bit of genre bending now and again and I'm properly geared up for it. 

Finally this weekend, we have Lockout, which managed to fly under my radar for quite awhile. Probably due to the fact that I'm far from being a Guy Pearce fan. However, the other day I watched a 5 minute clip they released of the film. As a result I'm now up for seeing it. Here's the clip:

I think it looks like Die Hard meets Escape From New York in space. Yeah, you can already see the cheesiness that's sure to pervade the entire running length, but it has that good bad movie aura about it. And I'm totally down for that. Not in theaters mind you, but a definite rental.

So what are you guys up to this weekend? Anyone planning on watching The Three Stooges?

True Addictions #1: Non-Smoking

I'm addicted to non-smoking. If I'm holding something like a pen while I'm concentrating, without even thinking about it, I begin fake puffing and fake blowing of imaginary smoke. Sometimes I'll do it even if I don't have something in my hand. And If I'm lost in a day dream... I'm practically a non-chain smoker.

Naturally, I suppose the general assumption would be that I still have the habit from when I used to be a smoker. Perfectly logical conclusion with one tiny problem: I've never smoked anything in my life. Couldn't, I'm actually allergic to smoke. 

So where does this addiction come from? 

After much consideration I have come to the conclusion that must be from candy cigarettes as a child. Though they may fly under the name of Popeye's candy sticks now, once upon when I was a kid, I bought candy cigarettes. I very much enjoyed playing with them (certainly wouldn't have gotten them for eating as they tasted horrible). Even back then I had no intention of ever smoking for real, just liked the action and look.  

Moral of the story? I'm living proof that candy cigarettes don't turn children into smokers, they turn them into non-smokers. And just for the record, yes, before I started writing this post, I stubbed out my pen on a piece of paper. Maybe it's time I started on the non-patch?

Stop Whining About Pluto

Planets were called “wandering stars” in ancient times.
Protesters would have printed up t-shirts saying, “Just because
they wander, doesn’t mean they’re not stars!"

Then the Greeks called them “wanderers”.
T-Shirts may have said, “It’s okay Mars, I’m not a star either.”

“Wanderer” in Greek is “planētoi”, which sounded
like “planet”, so they called them planets.
T-shirts would declare, “What’s wrong with
‘Wanderer’? ‘Planet’ sounds stupid! Stop changing our sky!”

The moon was also considered a planet. A really big one.
Valentine’s Day cards would read, “If you were
a planet, you’d be the moon to me.”

Then Aristotle said that comets weren’t planets.
Newspaper headlines would read, “Planets Get Their Tails Clipped!”

When it was discovered that the Earth went around 

the sun, in the 16th century, the Earth was suddenly 

a “planet” but the moon no longer was.
Kings were flooded with angry emails, “The Earth is now a ‘planet’?!
What’s next, is the sun going be a ‘star’?!”

“Planets” were seen orbiting Jupiter in the 17th century.
Newspapers headlined, “Jupiter May Have More Planets Than The Sun!”

Later, Jupiter’s “planets” were changed to “moons” instead.
T-shirts were sympathetically printed up, 

“It’s okay Jupiter. It happened to us too.”

Bunches and bunches of “planets” were found, and named, 

in the 18th century, until scientists decided to reclassify 

them, in the 19th century, as “asteroids”.
18th century bumper stickers read, 

“My child can name more planets than your child.”

In the 20th century, Pluto was discovered. By the 21st century 

a bunch of other “planets” were found near Pluto, forming a 

second asteroid belt—called the Kuiper belt.
Death threats to astronomers read, 

“If you change Pluto, we’ll send you there.”

The definition of a “planet” had to
be changed … again. So stop whining.

The above nerdiness is the fault of Sebastian Black, and does not necessarily represent the opinions of The Non-Review. So if you're still upset about Pluto and want to hit someone, hit him.

Doctor Who Easter Colouring Pages

Thanks to Doctor Who Time Vortex (a great news site for Whovians), I was recently made aware of an Easter gift of Doctor Who colouring sheets. They are available on BBC's site HERE and feature two packs, one for heroes, and one for baddies. So whether you're open about your love for colouring, like me, or just a closet crayon fan, head on over to get your colour on. 

Titanic 3D, American Reunion: 7 Word Weekend Review

New Movie Releases Reviewed in 7 Words Each

Titanic 3D - It's unbelievable how little I actually care.

American Reunion - This bed is on fire with gasoline...

Oh sure, I could pretend like there are other movies out this week. There's a 3D documentary on air racing out; a handful of minor interest limited releases swimming around the theatrical pond. But really it's about American Reunion. Hunger Games last week slapped Wrath of the Titans in the face like it was its... Finish that sentence however you see fit. I'm going with orange myself. So clearly, it's still got enough steam going to be a top movie. Reunion will share Hunger Games audience, but with an R rating, it's not really competing. Titanic 3D is a what it is. Seems completely unnecessary, but then, I've felt that about James Cameron as a person for years. Undoubtedly it will be felt. How big? Hard to say. I suppose there's a contingent of people out there who would like to revisit Leonardo DiCaprio on the big screen, before the days of looking like someone injected helium into his frontal lobes. 

As far as American Reunion. What's there to say really? Each film of the original trilogy was essentially the same movie repackaged with different settings. Either you're a fan and your going or it was never your cup of tea, and you're not. This really is a film that anyone who goes to see it, knows what they're getting ahead of time. 

I'll give you odds though that at some point in the film, probably towards the end when everything is golden between Jim and Michelle, that there's a nod to the first film by way of Jim grabbing an apple pie and heading to the bedroom with Michelle. Sly smiles and winks optional. 

So with Easter on the way, I leave you with this thought: Don't go see Titanic 3D. The madness has to stop somewhere. Go watch Hunger Games. Yes, I know you've seen it, but how many times have you seen Titanic by now? What? I don't care that it's in 3D. That doesn't change the story. Fine... I can tell you're just going to ignore my pleas anyway. 

Have a happy Easter weekend everyone!

The Non-Obits - April 5, 2012

Eddie Murphy

1961 - 2012

Famed comedian and actor Eddie Murphy was officially pronounced dead this past week after it was announced he was being sought after for the upcoming sequel to 'Twins' tentatively titled 'Triplets'. Said a fan of Murphy's who was on the scene, "I've long suspected that Eddie died years ago and was replaced by an evil robot that only makes s**** movies." While it is actually believed that Murphy died back in 1998 between the release of Doctor Doolittle and Holy Man, it was not officially confirmed until the horrible casting news broke this past week. He is survived by the slim hope that he is still alive somewhere, being kept locked up in a dungeon, waiting for someone to free him.

Tom Wilson's Love For Death Metal

1988 - 2012

Sad news this week music lovers, Tom Wilson's love for death metal has passed away. Tom who himself was a drummer for an Entombed cover band through his teen years, into his early 20's, confirmed it early Monday morning. "I liked a lot of things when I was young," Tom spoke at the press conference, "I used to down two Big Macs at a go, but now the thought of just one gives me heartburn. And oddly enough, so does Death Metal." Tom who recently turned 40 was spotted a few weeks back purchasing a Sufjan Stevens album on iTunes.

Michelangelo

1968 -2012

Fans of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were heartbroken yesterday when police confirmed that Michelangelo, one of 3 turtles the popular comic and cartoon series was based on, was found dead in his apartment. While police have yet to give word as to whether or not foul play might have been involved, Leonardo, a close friend confessed to being "worried" before he was whisked away in a police car. Few people realize that Michelangelo was actually the inspiration for two of the turtles, his namesake, and Raphael. Donatello and former baddie Shredder, who have been sharing an apartment together in Queens, could not be reached for comment. Services will be held this Saturday before his body is laid to rest in a toilet and flushed.

NON-DEATH OF THE WEEK:

Carol Channing

1921 - ????

Part of eastern Massachusetts were surprised to learn this week that Carol Channing is still alive. A Tony award winning and Oscar nominated actress, Channing is best known for her unique voice. However of more interest is her secret to longevity which some believe stems from her rare ability to attain energy from holding on to grudges. Not slowing down any, she is expected to outlive her Thoroughly Modern Millie co-cast members, Julie Andrews and Mary Tyler Moore. Whatever evil spell is keeping her alive, we here at TNR wish her many good years to come! ...Mostly out of fear.