Naughty Or Nice List 2011: Part 1/2

Last year we began a tradition here at The Non-Review, taking a look at people and where they fit in on the proverbial naughty or nice list. This year, due to limited time, we had to trim it down to a list of 10 from the 35 we did last year. As with last year my brother will be arguing each one for the naughty, and I will be arguing for the nice. So sit back, relax, and find who made the list this year.

10. The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge

Randy's Naughty List:

These two joined in marriage before the whole world, in a service I wasn't invited to. We were introduced to Pippa and those sinful curves, via the TV at 3 am. We saw the beautiful magnificence of what a royal event should be. We watched wishing Diana could be there, knowing she was looking up, wishing for air conditioning. As they made their way I was left crying alone in a darkened room with only my whiskey and a cigarette to comfort me. I sat in my tuxedo believing my invite had been lost in the mail. Now they are having a baby. Since neither I, nor Santa had an invite to the joyous occasion, the after parts, the consummation, and now the birth, we cut the cord. Naughty.


TS's Nice List:

Every little girl dreams of being a princess and having a royal wedding. Well, maybe not Janie Stevenson of Parkridge, Illinois. But then her dreams of being a dinosaur-vampire-slayer, is not without merit. Trouble is, it's the father who's left to foot the bill for the weddings of these girls. By televising this multi-million dollar affair, it provides fathers with a chance to nip their daughter's ambitions in the bud.

"Daddy, daddy! When I grow up, I want a wedding like that!"
"Oh, honey, that's sweet. But do I look like the queen of England? If I were you I'd start dreaming of a Vegas wedding and practicing the word 'elope.'"

For this gift to father-kind, I declare them Nice.

9. The Economy

Randy's Naughty List:

Since I was 16 I have worked in you, paid my dues and put up with your B.S. for years. I didn't complain when you took my job, I just got another one. When you decided I should pay a little more, I was upset but continued on like a good little soldier. That time in the copy room when you came in with your friends, Medicare, and that old guy. What's his name again? Oh right, Social Security. I remember you all came in and closed the door, pulled my pants down and... No, I'm not going cry again. Even than I told no one. I have played your game, but no more. When you told me that Tiny TS will have to go without dinner or even his Christmas iPhone 4s (refer to Steve Jobs) you crossed the line. Naughty!


TS's Nice List:

I know there's a lot of disparaging things that have been said about the economy. The unemployment rate... the housing market... And of course the ever increasing cost of living. But has anyone considered the gift the economy has given to the lazy man? Think about it. Previously, the lazy man, skipping out on work would be frowned upon. Now, he can shrug, point to the others legitimately unemployed and receive an understanding nod. Remember, the lazy man is a person too. Thank you economy for getting his back.

8. Charlie Sheen

Randy's Naughty List:

So you went a little crazy and thought you were "winning". Hey, that can happen. When you drunk a little "Tiger Blood," told off your boss and did some drugs, that was okay. We all have off days. But why couldn't you have said you were sorry and gone back to work? Two and a Half Men sucks now and that's your fault you mean, selfish man. You just... suck. For letting become Two and a Half sucks, you are losing. Naughty.


TS's Nice List:

I'm not going to pepper this with Sheen's now infamous phrases like Tiger Blood or Warlock. Except of course for there and there just now, duh... And there. What'd like to speak to though is Sheen's selflessness. When one is on a self destructive path, the natural instinct is to often hide it. Some celebrities can't escape their fame and every crazy thing they do is seen and heard, whether they want it to be or not. Charlie on the other hand, offered himself up as a spectacle for our enjoyment. It was like watching that Joaquin Phoenix mockumentary, only entertaining. So thank you Charlie. When it comes to the nice list, I say you really are winning.

...And there.

7. Casey Anthony

Randy's Naughty List:

I know that in the eyes of the law you are innocent. So as a decent person I won't say anything about how you killed your daughter. I will only go by all those naughty pictures that popped up on the web and in court showing what kind of a dirty girl you are. I am not going to bring up the fact that you killed your child as the courts have decreed you did not. We'll just put you on the list for the pictures and leave it at that, if you all know what I'm saying... Naughty.


TS's Nice List:

What is that laying on the ground in front of me? It appears to be a piece of wood of some making. I think -yes, yes it is. It's a pole. Wait, let me measure it. It looks to be about 10 feet long. But I don't trust it, so much as I like poking things, I'm not going to touch it.

...I think OJ was guilty.

6. Wilfred Brimley

Randy's Naughty List:

WTH? How are you yet alive another year? What kind of deal with the devil did you sign? You have had diabetes, Aids, cancers, and flues that only monkeys can get, yet somehow you've survived all these conditions by outliving them. back to hell with you and don't forget your oats!


TS's Nice List:

Wilfred Brimley is a celebrated actor, a champion for oatmeal, and a fighter of diabetes. This year however he has come to mean more to the world. This year, he's come to represent hope. For clearly his continued existence can only mean that he's discovered the secret to immortality. How else can you explain the fact that he's the last living veteran of the Civil War? Eat your oatmeal kids. If old uncle Brimley says it's good for you, he ain't just whistling Dixie. Though he has. During the Civil War.


That's it for part one. Be sure to check back tomorrow (maybe with a cup of nog?) for a conclusion guaranteed to knock your Christmas stockings off.