T is For: TS Hendrik - A Non-Interview

I recently had the opportunity to sit down with myself for what was a surprisingly honest interview. Unfortunately due to a pending lawsuit we are only able to bring you select parts at this time.



TNR: What did you want to be when you were a child?
TS: Oddly enough, an airplane mechanic.
TNR: Not a pilot?
TS: Lord no. I'm scared of heights. I liked the idea of helping others fly.
TNR: And that doesn't in anyway seem stupid to you?
TS: Pardon?
TNR: Would you in fact say you were a rather dumb child?
TS: I didn't come here to be insulted!
TNR: I apologize. Let me rephrase the question. Were you frequently drunk as a child?
TS: I'm out of here.
TNR: Wait, I'm sorry. Please sit down. I'll move on.
TS: Ok... but try not to be so rude.


This may have not been the best opening line of questions as it left him irritated the rest of the interview.


TNR: You consider yourself to be a hunting enthusiast, correct?
TS: Not really. I've gone bow hunting a few times, but it's far from being a hobby.
TNR: You use a bow?
TS: I'm not anti-gun, I just happen to enjoy shooting a bow.
TNR: These hunting trips you've taken... How successful would you say they've been?
TS: ...I had fun. That's what I'd consider a successful trip.
TNR: Isn't it true that you've never in fact managed to hit anything?
TS: What are you implying?
TNR: That you suck at archery and hunting.
TS: I'm actually quite a good shot.
TNR: I'd like to read you a quote from someone I interviewed earlier this week, if you don't mind.
TS: Ok...
TNR: "So there I was out in the woods, when this half wit comes out from behind a tree. He's holding a long bow and one of those fancy arrows -the kind you have to put together yourself. At first I'm freaking like 'oh God, my time's up!' but than he draws and fires. Darn thing goes whizzing by, like 8 feet away. I looked at him and just started laughing my tail off!" That's from Arthur Cottontail, a rabbit from south eastern Ontario.
TS: ...
TNR: Do you deny Mr. Cottontail's account?
TS: No comment.

At this point I realized I may have trod on a sensitive subject. I decided it was probably for the best if I changed my line of questioning altogether.

TNR: Why is your head so big?

TS: What do you mean? It's average.

TNR: ... [eying him skeptically]

TS: Alright, it's big.

TNR: And those ears...!

TS: I said 'Alright'. It's genetic. I come from long line of proud, big-headed individuals. Now leave off.

Clearly he was upset. I realized I had to tread carefully or risk the interview being a total loss.


TNR: Would you say you're of two minds about everything?
TS: [laughing] Well... considering this interview.
TNR: Have you ever considered outpatient psychotherapy?
TS: This interview is over.

Providing that the suit ends in our favor, I look forward to bringing you the rest of the interview at a later date.