S is For: Superpowers

A new year ripe with possibilities. Yet looking at the slew of superhero movies set to hit this summer, I can't help but feel it's a rewashing of things we've seen. Been there, done that, bought the lead jammies to avoid prying x-ray eyes.

The way I see it, we shouldn't be forced to stay in this cycle of recycled ideas. So with that in mind I have some thoughts on new superpowers and heroes that I feel would make for a nice change.


Proposed power #1: Movie Gaydar

In short, the ability to recognize when watching a movie, which character(s) will be gay, often before they know themselves. I found out this past year, I happen to have this power. However, don't expect me to be a superhero, I fully plan on using it for evil.


Proposed power #2: Introspection

Okay, so you didn't save the girl from falling to her death. At least with this power you can do some soul searching and find out how you feel about it and yourself as a whole.


Proposed power #3: Exiting

The ability to, no matter where you are, know where all the exits are at all times. This would be especially invaluable when stuck at some mindless party.


Proposed Superhero #1: DNA-Man

Short for Do Not Ask, this superhero has the amazing ability to avoid asking questions when an awkward situation arises.

Example:
[she enters the room in tears, rushing over to a friend that's two feet from our hero's desk]
"What's happened?" her friend asks.
"Men... I hate them all." She answers and glares at our hero.

At this point, many would be stupid enough to step in and ask "what wrong?" or some variation of that question. To which he would be stuck hearing exactly what was wrong. Our hero on the other hand, knows that this matter is best between her, her friend, and the villain of a man who has brought her to this state. And so with great effort he employs his power and sits quietly staring at his computer screen while hot rage is periodically pointed in his direction.