R is For: Review: Old People

The other day I was watching this old couple at a bank. They were most likely in their late 80's early 90's and dressed in the stereotypical old fashion. The woman drove the man up to the bank and then did her best to park a car that was far to big for them. As I watched the old man slowly make his way through the doors, I realized that in the back of my head I was playing The Entertainer. If you're not familiar with the title you'll for sure recognize the tune:

Now it did occur to me that people might find this to be somewhat mean, but I gave it some thought and, in all seriousness, I hope when I get to that age that people do the same with me. I want younger people to crack jokes relating to whatever is currently pop culture, playing music* for my ambling along. Why? Because it'll mean that I'll have made it to that age against all odds. Depending on the society, I would love to baffle them as to how I survived Logan's Run for so long. 

And you better believe that I'll be a crotchety sarcastic old coot. I wait for the day when my insane ramblings will go unnoticed (they largely do now, but I often get eyes rolled in annoyance). I look forward to yelling at random children to get off the grass -especially if they're on pavement at the time. I also can't wait to get one of those hats all old men seem to have. I honestly don't know where they get them. I've looked and I've found many close imitations but they're never quite right. It must be one of those things as you get older, a secret society of old men's hats sellers reveal themselves to you. One day I will own 6 of them. One for every day of the week except Sunday, when I'll attend church spiffed up as best I can muster, including what I hope is the world's worst comb over. 

I've even begun planning out designs for a cane. The weapon of the ancient. Sure it can be used to help walk, but everyone knows it's real purpose is to knock the noggins of the young and undeserving. Take a look at some of the designs I'm considering:

Ok, I'll grant you that number five is a ski pole and not a traditional cane, but I see potential in it. Personally I'm leaning towards number 2. Light, but with a good strong head. Perfect for bruising those who might be cruising on my turf. 

So I say to any old person who might share company with me at some point, you can expect that in my presence I will be playing scratchy old tunes in my head and cracking silent jokes about how unhip you are, but I fully expect you to enjoy it. I'll look for the cane and to be pelted by hard candy as you recite an endless stream of nostalgia. And I'll look forward to one day sharing a similar relationship with your great grandchildren. 

Punk kids...

*As I wrote this, whatever was on TV started playing Glen Miller. I assume that's a sign of how right I am.