???? - 2011
Tragedy struck in Denver this past weekend when renowned holiday angel Clarence, died again. Clarence is most well known for his having saved George Bailey from killing himself in It's a Wonderful Life. Shortly after receiving his wings Clarence launched into a successful career of helping others. That is until last Tuesday morning when he failed to notice the oncoming traffic. Rumors abound that Clarence has now ascended to second heaven where he will have the new job of helping angels help others.
Ice Cream Night
1995 - 2011
Sad news ice cream lovers, the Johnson's weekly tradition of Ice Cream Night, has died. Much loved and respected, Ice Cream Night was an institution until one Mrs. Johnson began introducing portion control. Mr. Johnson Speaking on the subject had this to say: "First it was low fat this, low fat that. Next thing you know, it's a half a scoop of frozen yogurt. I just decided to pull the plug before it could get any worse." In lieu of flowers, mourners are requested to send chopped peanuts.
Mrs. Princess Calli
1010 - 2011
Mrs. Princess Calli, the wise and kind ruler of many places and featured prominently in the stories of 7 year old Katy Wilson, has died. Apparently, being 1001 years old, was not enough to kill her as she died heroically, diving into a lake to save the 'kitty children'. She is survived by her close friends, Prince Ugle, his noble steed Giraffe, and Todd Goblin.
Non-Death:
Dean Jones
1931 -
A nation was shocked to learn this week that famed Disney actor Dead Jones is still alive. Best known for his roles in movies like Herbie the Love Bug and That Darn Cat! he's been a kid's favorite for decades. I also used to have a problem, mixing him up with Fred MacMurray when I was a kid. No one knows how the ancient one has continued to hold onto his corporeal form, but one thing is for sure. We here at The Non-Review salute and wish him another happy 80 years.
1010 - 2011
Mrs. Princess Calli, the wise and kind ruler of many places and featured prominently in the stories of 7 year old Katy Wilson, has died. Apparently, being 1001 years old, was not enough to kill her as she died heroically, diving into a lake to save the 'kitty children'. She is survived by her close friends, Prince Ugle, his noble steed Giraffe, and Todd Goblin.
Non-Death:
1931 -
A nation was shocked to learn this week that famed Disney actor Dead Jones is still alive. Best known for his roles in movies like Herbie the Love Bug and That Darn Cat! he's been a kid's favorite for decades. I also used to have a problem, mixing him up with Fred MacMurray when I was a kid. No one knows how the ancient one has continued to hold onto his corporeal form, but one thing is for sure. We here at The Non-Review salute and wish him another happy 80 years.
My favorite of your standard columns is back. Yay! I was worried that I wouldn't see the Non-Obits again, so I'm happy to see that they have not died. That would be bad, of course, because it would have to be resurrected in order to report its own death.
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