7 Word Weekend Movie Review: The Chaperone, Big Mommas suck, and the God conspiracy

New Movie Releases Reviewed in 7 Words Each

The Chaperone (limited) - How is this not a Disney movie?

I Am Number Four - Couldn't be any worse than number two...

Big Mommas: Like Father Like Son - No choice, we must kill Martin Lawrence.

Unknown - I thought he already did this movie.

I know what you're thinking: He's right, we have to kill Martin Lawrence. It's the only thing that might possibly make up for all the horrible things he's done. I can remember when he used to be funny. Nothing to Lose... Bad Boys... He had potential to be great. Then at some point he started down a road that he's never come off from. I watched the first Big Momma's House regrettably. I was smart enough to avoid the second one like the plague. Too bad a large constituent of Americans weren't, thusly justifying their making a third. And since Lawrence recently said he'd continue to make these movies till "the wheels fall off", I would like anyone reading this who might be thinking of seeing it, to head this warning: I've heard that test audiences who watched it had their faces melt off twenty minutes in. Kind of like that scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark, anyone who looks upon it will be liquidated.

Here's one of those go figures, I hate wrestling but I love (in a guilty pleasure sort of way) wrestler's movies. The Chaperone is the latest to step up to the plate with some guy (forgive me anyone who watches WWhatever it is, for not instantly recognizing the name) called Triple H. Rather than giving the synopsis, here's the trailer:

That's right, Kevin Corrigan, Annabeth Gish AND Yeardley Smith. It's like one of those beautiful disasters that you know deep down in your heart you don't want to miss. I also like the way the tone of the trailer shifts from looking like it's going to try and be serious, to kid's goofiness in a blink. My hope is it meets in the middle and ends up being this generation's Kindergarten Cop. You know... Horribly fantastic. 

Unknown to me looks like the lovechild of Taken and Bourne Identity. It also looks a bit dull even in terms of rentals. Maybe I'm just thriller'd out at the moment. Still maybe there's more to it... 

In the film Liam Neeson plays a guy who wakes up from a coma to find that his identity has been stolen and no one remembers him, not even his wife. Now back in 2006 there was a movie also called Unknown, about five guys who wake up in a warehouse with no memory of who they are and must decide which of them is evil. That film starred Jim Caviezel. Liam Neeson played Aslan, the God lion of the Narnia movies, while Caviezel of course played Jesus. I'd dare say this smacks of conspiracy. 

That or God's having an identity crisis. 

Have a great weekend everyone!