The Back Page (non-obits) 07/15/10

Jake Morgendorffer

1952 - 2010

Sad news today, Jake Morgendorffer, best known as the father of Daria Morgendorffer died this past Tuesday. Shortly after the hit MTV show ended, it was discovered that Jake had a rare form of cancer. Over the next few years, Jake became unable to work and had to rely on his wife to take care of him. This put an obvious strain on a marriage already troubled due to the suicide of their other daughter, Quin. Last year the two of them called it quits. Jake was found by Daria Tuesday morning lying unconscious on his bathroom floor. He woke up only once on the way to the hospital, long enough to say "MTV should have figured out the damn licensing for the music, cause the show just isn't the same!" No memorial has been planned.

The Legitimacy of The Dolphin as a Species

2 - 2010

With a heavy heart, the announcement came this past Monday that the legitimacy of the dolphin as a species has passed away. While they had for a time thought to serve a purpose, possibly saving the lives of humans through the centuries, with the advent of monkey waiters, it's quickly become clear that dolphins have no place in a modern world. Said famed marine biologist and former dolphin supporter, Jeff Jeffries, 'granted they're intelligent, but can they get me my order on time?' Dolphins are survived by Tuna which still has a place as delicious.

That pony you saw when you were six that your parents wouldn't buy you
???? - 2010

Tragedy this week for lovers of childhood dreams, T.P.Y.S.W.Y.W.S.T.Y.P.W.B.Y. has passed away. Not much is known about the life of T.P.Y.S.W.Y.W.S.T.Y.P.W.B.Y. though it is thought to have been called Freckles and to have loved sugar cubes. T.P.Y.S.W.Y.W.S.T.Y.P.W.B.Y. is suspected to have grown into a beautiful animal and to have never given up hope of your parents one day reconsidering their decision. T.P.Y.S.W.Y.W.S.T.Y.P.W.B.Y. died this past Wednesday from a rare form of dynamite eating. It is survived by it's owner, a woman who grew up on a pony farm and never wanted anything as a child because she had your pony.

Non-Death

Barbara Billingsley
1915 -

Ethiopia was shocked to learn this week that Barbara Billingsley is still alive. The famed actress who portrayed June Cleaver, mother of Beaver on Leave it to Beaver and also voiced the Nanny on Muppet Babies, had a long career in movies and television going all the way back to 1945. While many theories abound as to her longevity, science points to the possibility of a new principle called Magnetic Attributive Geocentric Internal Core or M.A.G.I.C for short. One thing is for certain, she used to creep the heck out of us here at The Non-Review as children and still kind of does. Nevertheless, we salute her and wish her happy years to come.