Non-Tour: The Yellow Brick Road

We here at the Non-Review hit our heads quite often, and almost always by accident. We’re not proud of it, but it happens. Normally our head injuries are not particularly note-worthy, but the one we just experienced was rather intense, and we’ve found ourselves here on the Yellow Brick Road (in the wonderful land of Oz). So as long as we’re here we thought we’d show you around the place. So, try to remain seated, hold your questions until the end, and enjoy the tour.

ON YOUR LEFT you will see a bunch of noisy dwarfs giggling and handing out gigantic lollipops. Even though the squeaky little creatures may look cute, please don’t touch. And they may seem shy at first, but that’s just because they want you to go away. And if you don’t leave fast enough, they will all come out and keep singing annoying songs at you until you exit the premises. So it’s best to just avoid the place altogether. Let’s move on.

ON YOUR RIGHT you will see a quaint looking farm with a few trees. If you look closely you’ll see a rather grassy-looking guy in the distance hanging around on a pole. Well, unfortunately, we will not be getting any closer to him on this tour because he’s very good at manipulating people into unhooking him from his pole, and then he will follow you around forever, no matter where you go. He’s very hard to shake. But then—oh, wait, everybody duck! … Sorry about that. Stupid trees. I wish they would at least throw apples worth eating. We’d better keep moving before they start throwing rocks, or branches, or maybe even that big aluminum robot looking guy. (He’s been there forever, so it’s unlikely.)

STRAIGHT AHEAD we have a real treat for you. We are coming up on a big field full of poppies. Either the people around here don’t realize the opium potential of this field, or they’re just too busy eating those huge lollipops. Either way, we will have the field to ourselves, and the owners seem to have no problem with people rolling around in them. So enjoy yourselves, and be prepared for the occasional freak snow-storm.

We hope you have enjoyed your tour of the Yellow Brick Road. The soundtrack is available in the gift shop, as well as some stuffed flying monkeys. Thank you for joining us.