Letters to the Editor: An Angry Kite

(This letter is in response to a review about kites that appeared on this site on January 11, 2010. This letter was dictated to Reputation@Stake, who recorded it verbatim from a rather angry kite.)

To whom it may concern at the Non-Review:
I was very displeased by your review of me, and wish to address and correct many of your false accusations. First of all, let me begin with one of your opening criticisms. You claimed, rather offensively, that “kites are pointless.” This is completely untrue. By and large we come with a minimum of four points, which was even evident in the picture you provided—which, by the way, I did not appreciate at all. I was having a bad tail day that day. Therefore I will be suing you for defamation, as soon as I can find a lawyer to take my case.(Unfortunately, so far, no one represents Kites, despite there being no indication of that in any of their advertisements. I’m suing them next.)
   
You then continued with your rude remarks by saying that I am “an infuriating waste of time.” Look, if people had better things to do with their time, the Chia Pet never would have been invented. And just try to imagine a world without those. See? Case closed. Moving on.

Next you stated, as though it was a complaint, that when you tried to fly me, I “just bounced along the ground.” So? What’s your point? Maybe that’s what I felt like doing that day. Other kites were up there flying, so maybe I was trying to shake things up a little bit, and give you a more unique experience. Do you want to just be like everyone else? Hmm? Did you ever think of that? Excuse me for trying to help.

And lastly I would like to address your statement that, “without wind a box kite becomes nothing more than a canvas covered crate awaiting execution.” Ah ha! There it is! The real culprit. You say that you are willing to take requests for reviews, right? Well, there you go. Before trashing me, try reviewing Wind, and then you'll see the real reason why I suck—I mean, don't always work. And in the meantime I will sit back and await your handwritten apology.

Sincerely,
A. Kite

PS – I played no part in composing that Mary Poppins song.