Battle Break

The Non-Review has been the location for two dramatic battles. The first one, the one that started it all, and indeed is the inspiration for all future competitions, was the Battle of the Planets (written and produced by TS Hendrik). And the second, most recent one, was the Battle of the Shapes (written and directed by Reputation@Stake). Well, they both have decided that the battlefield is just too littered with debris to start the next competition right away. So they have hired a cleanup crew to take care of all the fallen moons and broken angles. “We expect the field to be cleared and ready for combat again by Saturday,” they told a crowd of TV reporters, “at which time a new set of items will be ready to once again battle each other for dominance.” The world waits in anticipation. But this actually works out perfectly for the Non-Review, because they thought it would be enjoyable to look back over some of the highlights from the comments made during the Shapes Battle. So here now, for your reading pleasure, are just a few of their favorites, along with their responses:

“That bike I had with the triangle wheels made me homicidal.”

Maybe you should consider a more comfortable seat, or try lowering the handlebars.

“I heard that the circle kicks kittens and steals purses from old women.”

Don’t believe everything you hear. It only “borrowed” the purses.

“Sorry pentagon but I'm going to have to go with circle. I hope this doesn't hurt our friendship.”

It didn’t. He was too busy kicking puppies to notice.

“What is a septagon's purpose in life?”

That’s easy. It’s the same as Tetradecagon’s. Duh.

“I just can't get cozy next to a septagon like I can with a triangle.”

Maybe you’re doing it wrong.

“Have you ever seen a triangular bubble?”

Not that we could get cozy with, no.

“Can we combine the shapes and make a Triarcle?”

We got arrested for trying that in public, but you’re welcome to give it a go.

“Primitive man could always club his food to death!”

Uh … thanks for that.

“I'm throwing my vote to the square because Sarah Palin told me to.”

What does she know? She gets cozy with Septagons.

“I dated a triangle for a while. I spent half my time at the emergency room, getting stitches.”

Been there, done that. We feel your pain.

“If you get a package from me to square, don't open it.”

We did. And the police should be at your door any minute.

“Does it mean nothing to you upstanding hexagon fans that the hex refuses a steroid test? That's incredibly suspect, I say. Next thing you know, we'll start finding out about all the little hexes he's fathered illegitimately.”

We’re sorry, but this is just too risqué for the Non-Review to publish on its blog. We cannot allow such open, public discussions of steroids to take place on this site.

“My doodles were always ‘septagonic’.”

This may also be too risqué. We’re not sure.

“I've already decided that when my gangsta rap career takes off, I'm changing my name to Isosceles Jones.”

The Non-Review demands 0.000001% of any profits. And that’s non-negotiable.