Non-Review: Legion

Thomas: Time for another shrunken head review. I'm Thomas, the moderator. Welcome to those who are new to our review.

Smith: Yes, welcome to all.

Thomas: Today we are reviewing the film Legion, which stars Dennis Quaid and Paul Bettany. Guys I don't know about you, but I walked into the theater expecting one thing and walked out having gotten just that.

Smith: Color me unimpressed.

Thomas: You didn't care for it either?

Smith: Wasn't much to care for. God gets ticked and sends a horde of angels to wipe us out. Hilarity ensues.

Thomas: Did it feel to you like it was just retreading old ground?

Smith: Sort of. There was a lot of decent action scenes. And while I don't think there's been too many 'angels warring with humanity' movies, a lot of the plot points did strike me as overplayed.

Thomas: What did you think of Paul Bettany as the archangel Michael?

Smith: Paul Bettany is weird actor for me to watch. I always feel like he's underrated, not by others, but by himself. His acting has self esteem issues.

Thomas: I don't have any idea what that means. Jeffrey?

Jeffrey: It means Smith is a pompous windbag, who spends weeks trying to come up with stupid phrases that make him sound like he's qualified.

Smith: Pretty sure that's not what I meant by it.

Thomas: You two have been buddy buddy for weeks, why are you fighting now?

Smith: I don't know. I didn't realize we were until this moment.

Thomas: What's going on Jeffrey?

Jeffrey: Smith ate the last pudding.

Smith: What are you talking about? We're shrunken heads, we don't eat. The last time we even had a pudding was the night before we set off on our exploration.

Jeffrey: Exactly. I was saving my pudding in the pantry for the next day, and you snuck in that night and nicked it!

Thomas: That was years ago.

Jeffrey: Still hurts from time to time.

Thomas: This is really a discussion for another time. Did you have any thoughts on the film maybe?

Jeffrey: Dennis Quaid did a film for a quick paycheck, Bettany was standard, Tyrese Gibson showed up, the film was mediocre at best, and I had my pudding stolen by that oaf.

Smith: You've got to let these things go. For instance, I can't even remember how we happened to be on the expedition in the first place. I could hold that against someone, but I choose the higher path.

Thomas: I'm so glad you've forgiven yourself for convincing us to take the trip. Now really, back to the movie.

Smith: I was disappointed with the special effects. In a movie like this, that should be a selling point, but to me it felt slightly better than a Syfy original.

Thomas: Almost reminded me -special effects wise - of 8 legged freaks.

Smith: I concur.

Jeffrey: I enjoyed the special effects. They gave me something to focus on so I would forget other detractors.

Thomas: Like the story?

Jeffrey: Like pudding stealing pigs who can sit quietly by their friend years after having enjoyed a dessert at their friends expense.

Smith: So glad you could be big about it and let it go. I hope you're happy, you're making Thomas cry.

Thomas: No he's not. Well, crap. Once again we've gotten off topic. I think I better just wrap this up. The bottom line is that Legion is not a very good movie. It had several of the elements; good actors, angels, angry God, but it just didn't have much to put it together with. The film seems sloppy and filled with holes. It's a wreck that none of the actors could possibly save. Any final thoughts gentlemen?

Smith: Look, I know I've screwed up in the past. I suggested we take the trip out here. I'm the one who thought the natives would be friendly. It was me who suggested showing them how a match works. And yes, I did think that running away was a bad idea and that we should try and reason with them. For all of this I am sorry. But most of all Jeffrey, I am sorry for eating your pudding. I was a weaker man back then. I like to think I'm a better man now. I beg of your forgiveness. In short, I apologize.

Jeffrey: Apology not accepted.