Non-Review: Edge of Darkness (reviewed by William Shakespeare)

Led me into the twilight reckoning, lastly to undetermined dimensions of madness; they the shadow figures, who would haunt my ever dream.

Who would write something like that? I would. Hello, I'm Billy Shakespeare. Back in my day I wrote whatever the balls I felt like and people ate it up. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure it was great and all, but that sure as heck wasn't how we talked back then. I'll be honest with you, I sometimes find myself glancing at some of those 'Shakespeare Interpreted' books, just so I can know what I was apparently talking about.

Mind you I think my stuff is still better than half the crap you people throw up on screens these days. And when I say 'throw up' I do mean vomit. As a matter of fact, the other day I was comfortably spinning in my grave, when who should come along but some movie exec, wanting my recommendation for a new Mel Gibson movie. I'd always loved him in Hamlet, and thought, 'why the hellest not-eth?'

So I saddled up my ass and left for Hollywood. It was nice to see the old world traditions and values still around. So charmingly demonstrated by the transvestite who propositioned me. Shortly after my arrival I was whisked in to see the atrocity that is 'Edge of Darkness.' Let me tell you, me it sure ain't. First of all, we did a lot of crazy things in my day; dressing like women and talking in weird voices. But I'm pretty sure that if Gibson had performed with the horrible Mike Tyson impression he does in this movie, back then, we would have stoned him.

The story in the movie is a shamble of plot holes involving the murder of Gibson's 24 year old daughter. At first he assumes he was the target, but as he gets deeper into the mysteries he blah blah blah... I fell asleep in the third act, which I regret. I should have realized where it was going back in the first and got my sleep on then. Look I know it can't be easy writing after me, but still, people, try adding some layers and depth to a screenplay. It's not that hard.

You know what I always liked? Twist endings. Why couldn't they have gone for something like that here? I know, supposedly there were twists. I'd say they were more like curves. Want me to show you what a twist should look like? I'm really Francis Bacon. How does that taste? Didn't see that one coming did you Hollywood? Good. Now if you'll excuse me, I have better things to do then review this kind of drivel, like stuffing a chicken with snow.